You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
