I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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