Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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