Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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