i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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