Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
