just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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