i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
