So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
