She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
