My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
