I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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