I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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