the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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