Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
