apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
