You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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