Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
