Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
