in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
