Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize