She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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