I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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