I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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