i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
