I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
