Who wears a wallet chain?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
