my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
