Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
