If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
