How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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