life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
