my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize