you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're not piercing ourselves today.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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