I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
