Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
