worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
