I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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