I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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