census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
