Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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