Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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