**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize