Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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