I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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