When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
