i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
