She's JV to your varsity
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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