I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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