wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
