Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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