Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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