What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
