are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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