I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
