Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
