sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
