oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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