I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
